


Learning a lesson

by DrusillaStanden



Series: Ain't Nobody Knows Love Like ME! [4]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Multi, just something silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-27
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-09-01 13:19:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16765927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrusillaStanden/pseuds/DrusillaStanden
Summary: Part 4 of the romance advice series. Beau gives some advice to someone who desperately needs it. Some Caleb & Nott and Caleb & Molly stuff in there too.





	Learning a lesson

Caleb sat back against the wall in the darkest corner, the flambeau placed on the wall just near enough to allow him to read but his face was cast in shadow. He pulled out another book. He wanted to rid his palate of the cloying sweetness of _Tusk Love._ He’d read it for Nott, on her insistence, but his skin had itched the whole time. Love shouldn’t even be as near him as the words on a page – he didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t stop himself stealing glances at Nott. He smiled. He was glad to see her enjoying herself with this silly competition but he was anxious. The eyes that darted periodically between his book and his Nott were worried as well as amused. She was enjoying throwing out her mix of ridiculous and terrifyingly insightful advice and maybe she would forget… Dropping her halfling disguise, for even a few seconds, in a room full of gnomes whose attention was all too focused on her would not be…ideal. He knew that really he didn’t need to check on her, that she would be twice as aware as he was of the risk but there was a core of concern about his little friend which he could never get rid of. There was a banked down burning desire to shield her from all the assholes who couldn’t see beyond a few teeth and claws to the only creature who had noticed something in him worth saving when he couldn’t see it himself.

His mind replayed with perfect intonation his conversation with Jester. He knew what Nott wanted. He didn’t need her to spell it out. And then, then she would be free to leave. He was sure that however much someone loved her, it wouldn’t make a difference. He wished that he could help her see but she wouldn’t be free until she felt she was free. And then, it was only a matter of time. A matter of time before she found a better life than this strange wandering life they had, this relationship of shadows, promises and need and fear. And he would have dug his own grave. But he would do it. Gladly. Anything Nott wanted.

He hadn’t realised but he had been sat for a few minutes lost in the swirl of his own darker thoughts.

‘Caleb,’ came a laughing voice which he barely registered.

‘Looks like his not there,’ came Fjord’s voice, a little anxiety tracing through it.

‘Caleb, are you in there?’ came a voice and with it the feel of a warm hand laid on top of his own. He shook off his thoughts and looked up into Molly’s eyes. Their glance held for a second and then Caleb shook of Molly’s hand with a sigh.

‘Yes, Mollymauk?’

Molly laughed. ‘You don’t want miss this one, Caleb, it looks like it’s just about to go tits up!’

Caleb raised an eyebrow and Molly took Caleb’s face between his hands and turned it to look at where Beau was glaring at a dapper looking male gnome, brown hair slicked back and an air of confidence which spoke the Lothario. Fjord too was focused on the signs of Beau’s imminent explosion.

‘What?’ Beau forced out between clenched teeth.

The gnome leant further across the table, his eyes batting flirtatiously. Fjord grimaced, Molly rubbed his hands together gleefully and Caleb’s mouth quirked in a smile. Molly whispered in his ear, ‘He’s been buttering her up, he thinks, and he just asked…aah, well he’s repeating himself it seems.’ He broke off as the gnome began to wax lyrical about his unrequited love.

‘Well, m’dear,’ (Beau grimaced), ‘it may seem impossible to believe, for I know I am not,’ he smiled modestly, ‘uneasy upon the female eyes and I have known,’ he broke off, ‘well, a gentleman does not reveal his secrets,’ he smirked smarmily. Beau looked to be controlling the urge to vomit. ‘But there is one maiden… She has the most luscious locks, the sweetest smile, the daintiest arms… too many gnomish women have lost all knowledge of feminine charms in this obsession with work outside the home.’ Beau’s hands tightened their grip on the table in front of her. Molly pyramided his finger and put them to his mouth, breath held expectantly. The gnome leant even further forward, gazing at Beau with limpid eyes. ‘Few have such charms as you, dear lady. But, my maiden is fair, almost as fair as I, a fitting mate. But, alas, she does not yet reciprocate my affection. Her eyes have been turned to another. Another, if you will believe it, woman, instead of to my obviously superior masculine virtues. A woman is all very well for some things but…well, you know.’ He cocked his head smugly, seemingly seeking an agreement of Beau which he did not receive as she continued to glare stonily at him. ‘Well,’ he continued regardless, supremely unaware of her reaction. ‘I seek a way to turn her back to the right path, that she might learn to appreciate my manly virtues.’

Beau snorted. ‘Yeah, it’s unbelievable, man. How could she resist you?’ He took her comment at face value and gave a small appreciative bow. She turned to the table where Caleb, Molly and Fjord were sitting. ‘Fjord!’ she yelled and beckoned him over.

Molly sniggered, ‘Good luck!’ Fjord stood with a look of long-suffering on his face and walked over to Beau. She stood and pulled him down for a stage whispered, ‘Dude, like what are the rules of this competition. Do I have to like leave this joker in one piece? Does he have to like my advice or just benefit from a _lesson …_ if you know what I mean?’ She jiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

Fjord sighed and replied equally quietly. ‘I did not come up with this idea, Beau. Why am I deciding the rules?’

‘Well, you know, you’re a rules kinda guy.’

Fjord breathed in deeply through his nose, pinching the bridge. ‘I’d say, he can benefit from a lesson but you have to frame it as advice. You can’t just beat his ass.’ Beau nodded decisively and turned back to the gnome. Fjord wandered back to the table.

‘What do you think she’s going to do?’ asked Molly gleefully.

‘Well, if I were a betting man, I would put my money on an ass-whooping,’ said Caleb precisely.

Molly chuckled, ‘Well, I don’t intend to bet against that one.’

‘What? I told her to talk to him. You don’t think she’ll listen? She asked me for rules – I gave her rules.’

‘Oh Fjord,’ said Molly with a mock sad shake of the head. ‘You told her she could give him a lesson and not _just_ beat his ass…’

‘Oh shit,’ said Fjord. Caleb and Molly laughed and Molly snuck a look at Caleb from the corner of his eyes. It was rare to see him smile so freely although there was still an air of preoccupation, his eyes didn't flickered every few seconds back to the goblin in halfling disguise who was ignoring her own client and looking with relish at Beau's table. Molly swore he could almost see her goblin ears twitching in excitement under the disguise. He looked back at Beau and they all waited with baited breath for her to speak. She’d spent a few minutes deliberating on her advice and her gnomish visitor was showing signs of growing impatience, fingers and toes tapping as he cleared his throat for the seventh time.

‘Is your _maiden_ here?’ she asked, switching her focus back to him, her voice thick with sarcasm.

‘Why yes, that is her over there,’ he indicated a petite blond-haired female gnome, who was sat on a bar stool with one arm holding a tankard of ale and the other round a black-haired gnome, both dressed in practical working clothes. Both wore look of contemptuous resignation. Robert, the male gnome, bowed theatrically and the couple looked at each other, eyebrows jerking up in exasperation. Beau tapped her foot and rolled her eyes at the by-play.

‘Well, if that’s the case, my advice is simple. You want to show her the supremacy of your masculine virtues, right?’ Beau looked as though the words would actually choke her and the sarcasm in her tone would have frozen a more astute man into withered immobility. ‘Well, I offer myself as a … learning aid. You and I, let’s have a match of strength, a duel of sorts, I have a little skill in unarmed combat but, ugh, hardly more than a masculine paragon like yourself. I’m sure she’ll finally see there’s nothing quite like _manly virtues._ ’

(‘I’m impressed,’ whispered Molly in Caleb’s ear. When had he got so close? ‘I thought the annoying one would have broken by now.’ Caleb smiled, not quite sure which one was the annoying one. ‘Beau, dear,’ said Molly as though reading his mind, ‘I thought she’d have choked on rage before getting half of that out. Caleb smiled again in affirmation. It had been impressive. She was usually a hit first…hit later kind of person. He reverted his attention back to Beau.)

‘You would do that for me, fair lady?’

‘Oh yeah. Big time.’

‘Well, I will hold back, of course. I wouldn’t hurt a hair on that head. You must tell me if you are scared at any point.’

‘Yeah, very considerate. Don’t worry about me though.’ Beau stood and raising her voice. ‘Hey guys, we are going to have a sparring contest here, a little demonstration of, urgh, the advice I’ve been giving. Clear a space now.’

The couple at the bar looked on curiously. Beau walked forward, pushing people away to form a clear circle in the centre of the floor. She gestured Fjord forward to help her and he stood resignedly before coming forward with his charming smile and asking people move just a little back.

‘I mean he really shouldn’t have said…well anything that he said,’ whispered Molly in Caleb’s ear.

‘Ja,’ returned Caleb debating whether to try and slide further into his corner. Mollymauk really didn’t understand boundaries and personal space at all. He stayed where he was though. He wanted to see. The way Beau was moving, all pent-up energy, seemed like she was having fun and finally getting out some of the aggression she’d been building up the last few days. Her face, though, was a mask of suspicious saintliness.

After a few minutes of Beau’s aggression, pushing, spilled drinks and exclamations and Fjord’s charm offensive, a space was clear. Beau strode into the middle of it and began stretching. For a second, unease crossed Robert’s face before his familiar look of smug self-confidence returned and with a smirk he began to remove his dapper jacket and role up his shirt sleeves.

‘Ladies and gentleman,’ he entoned. Molly rolled his eyes. ‘We are going to give you a demonstration of the martial arts and the difference in their practice between female and male exponents. Nothing a female can do can quite match the natural advantages of a male.’ Caleb disguised his half-choking laugh as a cough. Both the receivers of advice and the advisors at Nott’s and Jester’s tables had now turned to look at the soon-to-be scene of combat. Jester was smiling, giving Beau a thumbs up and mouthing ‘Fight! Fight! Fight!’. Nott was eagerly bouncing up and down on her chair. The two advisees were sat open mouthed, desperately hoping their advice wouldn’t involve unarmed combat.

Beau and Robert took their places. Beau adapting a casual defensive position, Robert rocking back and forth on his heels, his fists raised. ‘Hey Fjord, will you do the honours,’ called Beau.

‘Sure,’ he replied. ‘The combat begins on three. Rules: no biting, scratching, weapons, magic or third party interference.’ At this he glared at Jester who was tearing up some stale pastries and looking a little too gleeful.

‘I wasn’t going to _help,_ ’ she pouted.

Fjord raised his eyebrows and turned back to the opponents. ‘One, two, three!’

‘En garde,’ screamed Robert before running towards Beau, fists milling the air. Beau let him come. She even let a fist collide with her side, raising a contemptuous eyebrow at its lack of effect. Robert realised a second too late that he’d made an error. Beau’s arm came out, palm straight and caught him in the throat, a second fist came round and hit him in the stomach, the air leaving his lungs in a rush. It had been a stunning blow, catching just the right place, and his whole body went limp. She finished with a roundhouse kick which flung him through the air. He crashed to the ground and lay there, groggy and unable to move.

After a moment’s silence, the room burst into applause and Beau took a few small bows.

‘Thanks,’ called the blond gnome at the bar, raising her glass at Beau.

‘No problem,’ replied Beau. ‘Sometimes assholes gotta learn the hard way.’ Turning to Nott and Jester she called out, ‘One point to me, guys, that asshole got some great advice…which I’m pretty sure he won’t forget.’

‘I think they have to be conscious, Beau,’ said Jester.

‘Why?!’ asked Beau, aggrieved.

‘Yeah,’ chimed in Nott, ‘You can’t just beat everyone and call it advice, Beau. They have to be conscious to benefit.’

‘Pfft,’ replied Beau, ‘Whatever. Worth it. And it’s not up to you two to decide.’ She went and sat back down. ‘Next!’ she called and it was a few seconds before anyone dared come forward.

Back in the corner, Caleb sank backwards, casting an anxious eye on Nott. The spell was still holding. Good. Fjord kept and eye on Beau, ready to intervene if necessary. Molly looked at Caleb. There was no reaching him, somehow, even here in a room full of people, all their friends having fun, and he just kept moving away. He followed Caleb's gaze. Caleb kept to his corners but there was a thread holding him here with them all. It was thin but, Molly knew, it would not snap. He smiled and turned away. Ready to see what chaos the night yet held.

**Author's Note:**

> Please do comment :)


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